In Feminism Is For Everyone, chapter 14 titled, Liberating Marriage and Partnership, made me wonder more about the divorce process of today. Many courts and couples are deciding to compromise through mediation sessions rather than letting the court decide for them. Child custody, child support, parental responsibilities and distribution of assets are some of the major topics in domestic mediation sessions. With the understanding that there is an unequal balance of responsibilities in a marriage, I was curious to find out if there was a power imbalance in the mediation session. Do men assume that their patriarchal entitlement follows them into the divorce process? Do men try to hold the “power card” during the mediation sessions?
Mediators are trained to maintain a neutral position in all cases they are assigned to. They are also trained to maintain an equal balance of power between the disputing parties as well. Lets say that a couple who is divorcing introduces themselves to the mediator. The wife may introduce herself by first and last name, where the husband may introduce himself by his professional title, such as Dr. or military rank. This could set a tone to the mediator saying he is a respected professional and she is not. The mediator must be aware of these attempts to establish power and yet maintain a neutral position. How common does this happen? And how would a mediator handled such a situation?
On March 25, 2009 I called the City of Norman where they have a Dispute Mediation and Early Settlement program. Most of the mediators that work with the city of Norman are volunteers, but it is not uncommon for mediators to also be paid professionals. I initially spoke with Jayme Rowe and informed her of the assignment I was working on. I explained that I would like to observe a mediator and ask a few questions based on my thesis. Jayme explained that a series of wavers would need to signed, but most couples who are working through mediation prefer anonymity and privacy. She asked that since the mediators work evening hours if I could email her my questions and thesis for one of the mediators to answer. After speaking with Dr. Pendly, I agreed and emailed my questions.
Email Correspondence…
Hello my name is Jonnette Dreher and I’m a Human Relations major at the University of Oklahoma. This questionnaire is part of a research project (ethnography) my class has been assigned about gender. The purpose of the project is to explore how gender plays a role in an occupation that we (the student) is interested in. I truly believe in the mediation process and would like to someday become a professional mediator. My primary objective in this project is to understand if gender creates a power imbalance in mediation and how the mediator overcomes this obstacle. Thank you for your participation with my ethnography and please feel free to add any extra information that you feel may be of importance to this project. This questionnaire is for research purposes only and all the professional information you provide will be cited properly and respectfully. Please answer the question as thoroughly as possible and return to me by email at jonnette3@yahoo.com.
Thank you,
Jonnette Dreher
Question 1: I understand that the mediator establishes an environment where all the parties feel they are on an equal playing field. Do you find it difficult to do this based on gender? Please explain why or why not you believe this to be a common barrier.
Response: I do not find this difficult based on gender. Most people are unfamiliar with the process. When explained that the mediator’s role is neutral, and that we serve as facilitators of the process, it removes the power imbalance. The role of the mediator is also to establish rapport and demonstrate respect. I find that building rapport and respect strengthens the connection between the parties and the mediator regardless of gender.
The only time I experienced a gender imbalance was in a small claim case with two Mid-Eastern gentlemen. The one gentleman’s wife set quietly in the corner. I stayed with the process knowing my role and clarifying it with them. It was more difficult, but they did end up talking with me and treating me respectful.
Question 2: Do you find that one gender is typically less cooperative than another? If so, please explain what gender you find to be less cooperative and your personal ideas based on why this happens.
Response: I have been mediating since 1995 and have not found one gender less cooperative than the other. I believe cooperation varies based on emotional energy and personalities of the parties.
Question 3: Have you ever had to mediate a same-sex domestic conflict? If so, did you find this/ these experiences to be relatively similar to, or drastically different than opposite sex conflicts?
Response: From my experience, each case is dynamically unique, and is based upon the emotional level of the parties and longevity of the relationship. If there is a vested interest, there is more energy and it does not appear to be gender specific.
Question 4: Do you notice if one particular gender is typically more rational than another? If so, explain which gender does appear more rational and why you believe this is so.
Response: I have not found one gender more rational. It is situational.
Question 5: Do you find that women are less willing to negotiate in custody cases as opposed to distribution of property cases?
Response: I find that when the issue is over custody, either party is rarely willing to negotiate. Most couples who are experiencing the normality of divorce with children will fight for their parental rights. Property issues are easier to negotiate.
Question 6: What do you find to be the most challenging obstacles in domestic cases in comparison with other cases such as small claims?
Domestic cases have a torn relationship. They are much more emotionally charged. It is a challenge to assist the parties in moving past the hurt, history, sense of loss, emotion, and the feeling of being treating unfairly to find a mutually satisfying resolution which will allow them to move on and find closure.
The questions were answered by Jayme Rowe and Jeri Stroup. Jeri has been mediating since 1995 and specializes in family disputes. Before I started on this project I assumed that gender played a much larger role in the mediation process than Jeri Stroup explained. It would seem that neither she or the disputing parties have a difficult time with power imbalance, besides a few cultural differences. Sonny Rowland, who taught mediation for the Liberal Studies department at the University of Oklahoma spring 2008, explained that gender and power imbalance is common in divorce disputes. Rowland urged her students to be mindful of such scenarios and advised how to overcome such obstacles. For a mediator who has been working in the field for 14 years, Jeri Stroup feels that power imbalance is situational rather than gender related. More research can be done on this topic that would oversee mediation sessions, mediation documents and cases from a verity of mediators to help determine if my theory can be proven. If an anthropologist or sociologist was able to dedicate some research time to gender imbalance in mediation sessions more mediators would be able to benefit from their findings and possibly be more intuitive to gender and power and how each plays a role in marriage and divorce.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Blog 8
One review I found about the Opt-Out Revolution is the idea that women are being pushed out. In many ways I can agree with this. High quality affordable childcare is impossible. Men are not pulling their parental weight at home. And women feel child rearing as a personal responsibility not to be shared with outsiders. Many companies require their employees to work a set number of hours with no regard to the idea that much of the work can be done at home. Maternity leave or even post-delivery leave for both genders is given in minimal increments where men are given non at all. To say that motherhood is a women's issue is not fair because it removes the fathers parental responsibility as well. Parenting is a social issue that all genders and legislation must be involved in. My major critique of this article and about the Opt-Out ideology is that men are too easily being let off the hook to follow through with their parental responsibilities.
Response to the readings
The F Word
Response to the readings
The F Word
Friday, March 20, 2009
Blog 7
The movie I'm going to review is The Secret Life of Bee's. The trailers for this movie clearly indicated that is was going to be about women, race and the culture of America in the 1970's. I never have time to go to the movies so I waited until it was available to rent and when I had time to watch it. I just watched it in Feb of 09 and I must say I was very happy with what I watched. The women showed a close bond in sisterhood and friendship. When a young white girl showed up asking for help, she got more than she could have ever imagined. The movie also displayed the difficulties that a father had as a single parent. Although the fathers issues ran much deeper than just gender, he ultimately made the best decision for his daughter. The Secret Life of Bee's is one of the best movies about gender and race that I have ever scene.
Reading Response
FIFE
There were many chapters and some very important topics covered in these readings. I was surprised to learn in Chapter 13 that singles mothers and women in general are the one's who abuse children more than men. But as I thought about it I wondered if maybe one of the reasons women are the most abusive is also because women are the primary caretakers and disciplinarians with children. Women who were abused as children or are dominated in their partnership may project their animosity on to their children. I'm not trying to make excuses, but it was just a way for to help me process why women would are more commonly abusive to their children.
Chapter 14
It's great that more women are embracing the idea that they can enjoy sex and be equal in the bedroom with their husbands, it was no surprise to learn that equality stays in the bedroom. I also agree that a fathers role in children's lives are far too often downplayed. As a culture, America needs to embrace the idea that men are equally capable of parenting their children as women. Parents are setting an example to their children and when there is an unequal distribution in parenting and domestic responsibilities then children are only learning that inequality is normal and will possibly reinforce the cycle in their relationships.
Chapter 15
My mom came from a generation where sex was feared. There were consequences if she had sex and therefore she never allowed herself to enjoy it. My mom who is now 60 and feels that being divorced has liberated her from her sexual responsibilities. But my mom is also pleased that I grew up in a different time, where sex education and birth control were freely talked about. But my mom cannot truly understand how I can be married, unemployed, a mother and a feminist. But what is disturbing is that more stay at home moms are not. That the image of feminism is still considered to be ugly and the "man haters club". This is also the reason why I consider myself a "humanist" because I believe the world incorporates all people not just an idealized gender.
Chapter 16
Addressing the double standard that many straight women and some gay women have about sexuality is a good attempt to tell women that these are some issues that need to be cleared before feminism can start to accomplish anymore. The unity and acceptance between gay women and straight women alone would be a great accomplishment. I have several gay friends that have told me how unusual it is for a straight woman to like me to have such close relationships with gay women. I don't find it unusual because all my friends are people first. I accept people for their moral character and mutual compatibility with my personality. Teaching my daughter how to be a friend that is loving and accepting starts with setting an example.
Chapter 17
This chapter really hits close to home for me and my past ideas of what feminism was. I thought that to be a feminist I would have to reject the idea of having a meaningful relationship with a man. I never considered the idea of involving my partner with my political ideas of feminism. But now my husband and I can talk politics, military, religion and not fear being dominated when one of us disagrees on a ideology. We have learned to listen reason and when necessary, accept each other for who we are. This type of relationship is becoming more popular, but in the 90's it sounded absurd and impossible. This shows how feminism has grown and love is possible.
Chapter 18
It's too bad that Hook waited to address religion until the last chapter. I strongly agree that Christianity and Patriarchal religions is the root of gender inequality. Hooks mentioned that with new translations of the bible more people are embracing the idea that religion could incorporate feminism. The biggest challenge for this integration is the fundamental Christian thinkers. Hopefully this is another aspect of feminism that will gradually change as future generations adopt more feminist thinking.
The F word
I got married in my late 20's and when our daughter was born I really felt the inequality and power shift. I stopped working and returned to school full time. My husband made all the money and I felt almost in debt to him for supporting me. Over the years I have made and demanded many changes in our marriage. One thing I have learned is that the inequality in my marriage happens primarily because I let it happen. But I know this isn't true for every woman. After college I plan to enter the work force again and like many other women, I worry about compromising quality time with my daughter. I have spoken to other moms and will take a lot of good advice, like lunch dates at my daughters school. Minimal after school activities, and forcing my husband to be a very pro-active parent.
Reading Response
FIFE
There were many chapters and some very important topics covered in these readings. I was surprised to learn in Chapter 13 that singles mothers and women in general are the one's who abuse children more than men. But as I thought about it I wondered if maybe one of the reasons women are the most abusive is also because women are the primary caretakers and disciplinarians with children. Women who were abused as children or are dominated in their partnership may project their animosity on to their children. I'm not trying to make excuses, but it was just a way for to help me process why women would are more commonly abusive to their children.
Chapter 14
It's great that more women are embracing the idea that they can enjoy sex and be equal in the bedroom with their husbands, it was no surprise to learn that equality stays in the bedroom. I also agree that a fathers role in children's lives are far too often downplayed. As a culture, America needs to embrace the idea that men are equally capable of parenting their children as women. Parents are setting an example to their children and when there is an unequal distribution in parenting and domestic responsibilities then children are only learning that inequality is normal and will possibly reinforce the cycle in their relationships.
Chapter 15
My mom came from a generation where sex was feared. There were consequences if she had sex and therefore she never allowed herself to enjoy it. My mom who is now 60 and feels that being divorced has liberated her from her sexual responsibilities. But my mom is also pleased that I grew up in a different time, where sex education and birth control were freely talked about. But my mom cannot truly understand how I can be married, unemployed, a mother and a feminist. But what is disturbing is that more stay at home moms are not. That the image of feminism is still considered to be ugly and the "man haters club". This is also the reason why I consider myself a "humanist" because I believe the world incorporates all people not just an idealized gender.
Chapter 16
Addressing the double standard that many straight women and some gay women have about sexuality is a good attempt to tell women that these are some issues that need to be cleared before feminism can start to accomplish anymore. The unity and acceptance between gay women and straight women alone would be a great accomplishment. I have several gay friends that have told me how unusual it is for a straight woman to like me to have such close relationships with gay women. I don't find it unusual because all my friends are people first. I accept people for their moral character and mutual compatibility with my personality. Teaching my daughter how to be a friend that is loving and accepting starts with setting an example.
Chapter 17
This chapter really hits close to home for me and my past ideas of what feminism was. I thought that to be a feminist I would have to reject the idea of having a meaningful relationship with a man. I never considered the idea of involving my partner with my political ideas of feminism. But now my husband and I can talk politics, military, religion and not fear being dominated when one of us disagrees on a ideology. We have learned to listen reason and when necessary, accept each other for who we are. This type of relationship is becoming more popular, but in the 90's it sounded absurd and impossible. This shows how feminism has grown and love is possible.
Chapter 18
It's too bad that Hook waited to address religion until the last chapter. I strongly agree that Christianity and Patriarchal religions is the root of gender inequality. Hooks mentioned that with new translations of the bible more people are embracing the idea that religion could incorporate feminism. The biggest challenge for this integration is the fundamental Christian thinkers. Hopefully this is another aspect of feminism that will gradually change as future generations adopt more feminist thinking.
The F word
I got married in my late 20's and when our daughter was born I really felt the inequality and power shift. I stopped working and returned to school full time. My husband made all the money and I felt almost in debt to him for supporting me. Over the years I have made and demanded many changes in our marriage. One thing I have learned is that the inequality in my marriage happens primarily because I let it happen. But I know this isn't true for every woman. After college I plan to enter the work force again and like many other women, I worry about compromising quality time with my daughter. I have spoken to other moms and will take a lot of good advice, like lunch dates at my daughters school. Minimal after school activities, and forcing my husband to be a very pro-active parent.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Blog 6
There are so many levels of wrong in these advertisements. They are ads for a condom that is supposed help the man "last longer". There is a message to men that they have to last longer while having sex either to perform like a man or to please the woman he's with. The pillow case is supposed to serve as a "plan B". If the condom doesn't help you last longer then he could look at the pillow case rather than the women he's having sex with to help "distract" his mind. The women are faceless so the main point of being with a woman is a mans performance level. The women on the pillow case are supposed to be so ugly that the man would be able to refrain himself from premature ejaculation. There is too much pressure for men to last a long time during sex and for women to always be beautiful and submissive. Each pose the woman is in a very submissive position.
Response to readings
When I move to Norman from Albuquerque, I remember my tour of the OU campus. Although the campus grounds were beautiful and impressive, I took immediate notice to how beautiful the young girls were. So many had blond hair and perfect teeth. They wore stylish clothes and smiled at everyone. I couldn't help but to feel inadequate and made a few vain attempts to spruce up my look. It got expensive, time consuming and frustrating since I never felt like I had achieved the perfect look that was so popular on campus. Maybe it was immature, but it was also a lesson. I learned that even in my thirties I can be influenced by my environment. But if this can happen in such a short time to someone who is an entire generation older than most OU students, I know it is happening to the majority of women on campus. It takes more than self-acceptance to find your inner beauty. You have to learn how to repel environmental influences including the media.
Blog 5
Beautiful Day By U2
Hands by Jewel
Get Up Stand Up by Bob Marley
Just A Girl by No Doubt
All Star by Smash Mouth
Bitch By Meredith Brooks
Grey Street by Dave Matthews
Anything by Dave Matthews
Goodbye Earl by Dixie Chicks
This list of songs represents gender for me for many reasons. I believe that everyone does some soul searching in their life and that is what inspired these songs. Being a girl or just trying to establish Independence in a world where success is measured by the amount of money a person makes rather than by the amount of people they have helped or have been helped by. Gender is very tricky and requires each person to define it in a way that will help them along the path of self discovery.
I don't think my taste in music had change a whole lot over the years. The 90's was the era that I most influenced by music. I still love and listen to most of the music I listened to in the 90's.
Response to the readings
My mom cleaned offices at night and babysat and cleaned homes during the day. Holding two jobs was difficult for her and she hardly ever adjusted her prices when the cost of living went up for fear of losing her clients. From the time that I was young I knew that there was a big difference between classes. When I would go to some of the fancy homes or offices to help my mom, my mom would always tell me I needed to marry a man that worked in one of those office building so he could buy me one of those houses. She believed that being a wife of a rich man would end all worries. I didn't marry a rich man, but I also don't depend on my husband. I don't want to have to work two jobs to support my daughter if I ever do get a divorce. I learned that lesson from my mom.
As far as the women's movement goes, I fear that the responsibility for accomplishing all feminist goals is going to fall into the hands of lesbians. There are plenty of straight women who advocate women's rights. But by the time they get married, have children and start to juggle their careers, they get to busy for feminism. There may be some straight women who participate in the feminist movement, but the majority of this burden will fall on our sister lesbians.
Hands by Jewel
Get Up Stand Up by Bob Marley
Just A Girl by No Doubt
All Star by Smash Mouth
Bitch By Meredith Brooks
Grey Street by Dave Matthews
Anything by Dave Matthews
Goodbye Earl by Dixie Chicks
This list of songs represents gender for me for many reasons. I believe that everyone does some soul searching in their life and that is what inspired these songs. Being a girl or just trying to establish Independence in a world where success is measured by the amount of money a person makes rather than by the amount of people they have helped or have been helped by. Gender is very tricky and requires each person to define it in a way that will help them along the path of self discovery.
I don't think my taste in music had change a whole lot over the years. The 90's was the era that I most influenced by music. I still love and listen to most of the music I listened to in the 90's.
Response to the readings
My mom cleaned offices at night and babysat and cleaned homes during the day. Holding two jobs was difficult for her and she hardly ever adjusted her prices when the cost of living went up for fear of losing her clients. From the time that I was young I knew that there was a big difference between classes. When I would go to some of the fancy homes or offices to help my mom, my mom would always tell me I needed to marry a man that worked in one of those office building so he could buy me one of those houses. She believed that being a wife of a rich man would end all worries. I didn't marry a rich man, but I also don't depend on my husband. I don't want to have to work two jobs to support my daughter if I ever do get a divorce. I learned that lesson from my mom.
As far as the women's movement goes, I fear that the responsibility for accomplishing all feminist goals is going to fall into the hands of lesbians. There are plenty of straight women who advocate women's rights. But by the time they get married, have children and start to juggle their careers, they get to busy for feminism. There may be some straight women who participate in the feminist movement, but the majority of this burden will fall on our sister lesbians.
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